Parts of Me

Rachelle Louis, Spring 2004

    The class readings relate to many parts of my identity.  Inge Bell and Bernard McGrane, in their book This Book is Not Required, address thoughts about self worth through academic performance.  This reading touches me because of my own experiences.   Because of my previously disadvantaged educational background, I went from being the top of my class in high school to somewhere in the middle at college.  In Sociological Odessey, Joel Charon, David Karp, and William Yoels also force me to examine myself with their words on stereotypes, and student participation in the classroom.
    These interesting readings were very informative, but they remind me of some experiences I would like to forget.  All these authors have helped me realize that I have internalized the grading system and racial stereotypes and this has negatively affected my performance.  This has shaped my perception of myself.
    “The grading system is not a measure of [their] worth as a human being,” however many students depend on their grades to define their self worth (Bell and McGrane, 8).  These students study to be the best in their class.  Getting straight A’s tells a student that he or she has achieved the goals set out for the class and has learned what the educator wants the student to learn.  The opposite, failing, makes the student feel that he or she has not done what was supposed to be done.  Like a failure, an “F” gives the impression that the student knows nothing about this particular subject and has shown no progress.  The Higher Education Opportunity Program (HEOP), a state funded program, recruits top students with relatively low SAT scores from disadvantaged schools.  I was not aware of the unjust schooling system until I became a part of this program.  It discourages me to know that I have to work so much harder than many other people to get to the same place.  I was constantly told by my teachers and church and family members that I can go anywhere I wanted to because I was such a strong student.  They did not lie to me, but the school system did; it did not prepare me for life and misled me to think it did.
    When I received the acceptance letter from the HEOP program at Skidmore, I was made aware that my admission was contingent upon my success in the academic summer program.  I felt so stupid.  It was not the program’s fault, but that letter made me feel so stupid.  How did I go from being the top of my class in high school to needing a compensatory program that required not one, but two daily tutorial sessions?  The HEOP staff was very supportive and was obviously trying to make up for past disadvantages, but they did not erase the feeling I had of not being good enough.  Throughout the summer, I forced myself to look at the positive side and I then became grateful that people actually believed in me enough to make such a large financial and time-consuming investment.  The problem is that after all that counseling and academic preparation I still feel that I am somewhat inferior to the other students on campus.
    Although very helpful, being in HEOP contributes to my internalizing racial stereotypes.  Many people feel HEOP is a type of affirmative action program even though it is not based on gender or race.  It is based on income, which is very inclusive.  It just so happens that many students in the program are not white.  Other members of this campus assume that all blacks and Hispanics are in the HEOP program and that a white student could not be in this program.  I have faced stereotypes about black people since I stepped foot on this campus.  Not only am I stereotyped by white members of this campus, but by the black students as well.  I’m not “ghetto” enough for most blacks, and I am not snobby/“fake” enough for many white students.  It is very hard for me to be content socially at this school.  Everyone generalizes so they can know how to approach members of a certain group.  But when the individual does not fit the stereotype, they do not do any work to re-adjust their perceptions (Charon, 20).  First, because I do not speak “Ebonics,” many assume I attended a boarding or a private school.  Second, being black “automatically” means I am from New York City, and not the nice part.  It seems that all NYC public school students are expected to fail.  I cannot just be a black student who speaks Standard English.  When white students claim NYC as their hometown, many people assume lower east side and other high-income areas.  Black students are assumed to be from low-income areas.  Many times I wish that I was from Long Island or anywhere that is not a city because I am ashamed about my background.  I hate when people assume something about me; I hate being the stereotype.
    These experiences have contributed to my lack of participation in class.  I tend not to participate in class for some of the reasons that Karp and Yoels mention.  Many times professors intimidate me and I feel that “my ideas are not well enough formulated” (337).  Furthermore, if I do speak incoherently I am representative of all blacks.  Other times it is because I do not want to appear uninformed or ask a “stupid question” (334).  Another reason for my lack of participation in class sometimes is because of the expectations of me.  Often, I am the only student of color in class and must therefore be an expert on black studies.  If a question pertaining to blacks is posed, I am expected to speak on behalf on all blacks.  
    My experiences and internalization of certain social structures have made me the person I am today.  Before college, I was very talkative in class and was often called a “teacher’s pet;” I was confident in my studies and comfortable in class.  Now, I am the complete opposite.  Most times, I do not want to risk the possibility of being wrong, and so I stay silent.  Being a Skidmore College student has really changed my feelings of self worth.

References
Bell, Inge and Bernard McGrane.  This Book is Not Required.  Revised ed. California: Pine Forge Press, 1999. 1-21.
Charon, Joel.  “Should We Generalize about People?”  Sociological Odyssey: Contemporary Readings in Sociology.  Patricia Adler and Peter Adler.  California: Wadsworth, 2001. 16-23.
Karp, David and William Yoels.  “Student Participation in the College Classroom.”  Sociological Odyssey: Contemporary Readings in Sociology.  Patricia Adler and Peter Adler.  California: Wadsworth, 2001. 332-339.


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